There’s a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over — and to let go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives.
“It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out.”
- Ellen Goodman
So feeling this right now.
It was a really neat ultrasound studio called Miracle in Progress. They have a big room with lots of couches so that my family could come and see the baby too. They let you pick lullaby music, we picked Pink Floyd, and they create a DVD of the session and give you plenty of ultrasound pictures. I liked listening to the heartbeat the best.
It was neat to see the baby for the first time. You can see him moving around on the screen, and repositioning himself as I move around. It was hard to get him to cooperate with taking the gender confirmation pictures, so I had to get up and do some stretching to get him going. I don’t blame him, it looked pretty comfortable in there.
So my sister has been convinced all along that it would be a girl, she even bought some pink shoes. Apparently most everyone else did too. I didn’t really have an opinion, but I did have a dream a while ago that I had a baby boy. My five year old niece kept telling me that she thinks its a boy too. My boyfriend told me that his aunt said she had two dreams about it being a boy as well. My sister is kind of flabbergasted that she is wrong, but I’m happy. It’s kind of weird to actually know the gender now, because all of the frilly pink stuff we see at the store is kind of not as buy-able anymore. :)
I decided not to post the ultrasound pictures on my Facebook page because I feel like they are kind of private. I’ve also had problems with various family members saving and re-uploading my pictures to their profiles. I haven’t said anything about it, but I want to be more careful with pictures of my baby and how they are shared online. Thankfully, nobody that I went to school with had unfiltered access to any embarrassing childhood photos of me. I can only imagine how much more bullying I would have endured, so I just want to be more mindful of these kinds of things.
I've been slowly starting to feel a lot better and gain some of my energy back. I think my patience is still pretty low, but I'm getting up earlier and getting more accomplished. This is great because I am in full swing at school, but I am starting to wonder if remaining a full time student is really going to be that great of an idea this fall. I think I am going to be very tired!
We went to this weird Christian pregnancy services clinic in order to get the pregnancy confirmation. We had to take my niece and nephew with us, and I figured it would be a family friendly place to visit. Oh, I was wrong! They separated me from my family and held me hostage in this counseling room by not giving me the document I came in for until they gave me a lecture on how abortion is murder and asked me a million ridiculously personal questions in order to assess the likelihood of me keeping the baby. It was weird and freaked me out. I told them that I was already seeking medical care and halfway through the pregnancy, Christian myself, and personally not OK with it. However, this was not enough for them and it was really hard for me not to lecture this batty old lady on not being a judgmental crazy person.
Well, we were supposed to go back for a free ultrasound the next day but we skipped that and requested an appointment for an ultrasound at a professional place instead. My sister decided to do this for me as a Christmas gift and I am really excited. This Saturday we will hopefully see the baby and know what the gender is. They won't be able to tell us anything else because it's not a medical facility but it will be really nice while we wait for the rest of the paperwork to iron itself out.
I am getting a faint second line on my pregnancy test. I suppose it's too early to know for sure, but I didn't even know where the other line should show up so either way it's progress is the baby department - yes?
I made both the man and my sister look at my super faint positive line. They said I am not crazy and it's indeed there, but you can't say for sure what state I'm in until the line becomes much darker and it's more viable. They are doctors office level tests so they read very small amounts of the hormone.
My dad came to visit us for a day and it was really nice because he said that Mr. Bat and I look so happy and he seems to approve now. Sweet!
Spent some time watching old videos and reminiscing about things. Why did it call come to hurt so much?
in 2007 I was this freed person. I fell off the map and became this crazy drug addled lady of the night, or whatever it was, and I lived. I found this love for music, and this notion that this class I took in high school might have been the direction in life I was missing. I suppose a "mistake" was to be such an open and honest person about where I had been. Plenty of people told me not to do that, not to be open about what kinds of things I had done.
I didn't see the wisdom in hiding, it felt too much like being a liar. I was free! The world seemed so open to me. I wanted everyone to know that you could totally hit your bottom and then turn your life around. Suicide is not the answer, don't give up! If some drug-bent prostitute could turn her life into something better, then couldn't you? I wanted everyone to feel the same kind of lease on life that I was feeling.
Of course, nothing was perfect. It's taken me so long to get my mind, and my emotions, and everything else where my heart was at. You don't come out of that kind of craziness without a few issues to resolve. But when people really turned on me, it hurt so much. It really shook me at my core, and I'm sure many of my friends remember how much I struggled with some of the nastiness I experienced after I tried to work with bands.
Many of the accusations were really horrid. People who never knew me, etc. I don't really understand.
But today I was thinking, you know, because for some time I wondered how I could have thought that I belonged in that industry. I don't know. I think I really wanted to work with bands because I wanted to give back to them. A (shitty) industry person told me that I could never make it because I cared about the bands. I don't know how much it mattered if I ever made it. Originally, I just wanted to give back to something that I felt had saved my life.
I still struggle with my health and my depression, but you know - I think I still want to give back somehow. Maybe not to that industry. Who knows, but that zest for life and that newness.... you know the music still takes me back to that time. Recently I started wearing my old perfume again and it's like an instant rush. I want to always remember what it was like to travel the state, hashing it out every night at the concerts, making friends with all the random people I met, and really truly just kind of - living.
I would never have been the smartest, or the prettiest, or the most connected...but I think my heart was the biggest.
Pampering myself with a honey facial mask right now! My skin is getting so tanned, and needs some TLC. I should wear more to cover up, but when it's over 100 it's really uncomfortable to wear much more than a tank top.
I am registered for classes at school! So far I am registered for a class called ALS that teaches you skills for college success (complete my human relations requirement and seems more helpful for me than anthropology, lol.) Spanish 101, which is great for working in kitchens and of course my boyfriends family all speaks Spanish! I really want to blend in with his family better this time. Also I am taking my hospitality purchasing class. This is related to some of the stuff I do at work right now, hahah.
I have one more class that I need to register for. I am hoping to find something else that seems kind of light. All of my classes count towards me degree, but I'm trying to use the first semester to get into the groove of school + work, and not have too much crazy going on when Mr. Bat gets here.
Looking to the future I am torn between chemistry and biology for my science requirement. I know I could pass biology quite easily. I never did the homework,but I still managed a B in my high school bio class because I always tested very well. The information was fairly easy for me to remember. My teacher had me take the golden state exams, and I believe I passed? The program was repealed and I lost my chance at having a special seal on my diploma when I dropped out of high school and later graduated through a charter school.
Anyway, chemistry seems really interesting and useful for a chef as well. Would probably not be as easy for me to pass, but if I have a good run at bio already why not go for something new?
There are also some cooking classes I am desperate to take, that do not count towards my degree. Namely the basic butchery and charcuterie class. I have been thinking about perhaps getting a local butcher shop to let me work for free in exchange for some training...but a class would be great! (Knowing how to take apart my own meat and make sausage and bacon would also be great, lol.) So I think I will be doing some classes over the summer and winter sessions to make sure I am able to hop in to some of those!
Ahhh, school makes me so happy. Gotta go get my placement testing out of the way. Probably Monday morning, so I can add my last class...whatever that may be for round 1! (Maybe math? No essays right?)
Spent some time navigating the new bus system to school. Won't be so bad I think. Maybe on my day off I should make a trial run to the other campus I have to go to. I discovered today that getting home is fairly easy, but getting there is not so. Google maps is...creative.
I've been listening to a gluten free podcast. They are all riled about Domino's Pizza not being free of cross contamination. Do you, really, trust a bunch of 17 year olds who could care less about anything besides the next beer night to give a damn about allergens and cross contamination? Even with supplying training, separate equipment, and separate tools...chances are that someone is going to mess it up and make someone with a lawyer sick. I wouldn't assert that something made in a gluten plastered environment is safe for celiacs...pretty much ever if I was financially liable if something went awry.
Chuck E Cheese is having an outside company produce Pizza's and ship them in frozen/wrapped packaging. They are then cooked in the packaging and only opened in front of the guest. They are uncut, and an uncontaminated slicer is provided. Domino's could do this as well, but only if they have the right cooking equipment to cook these things...and then you couldn't add whatever toppings you wanted.